Joke of the day.

The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the
United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)









These boys will be dropped off in Afghanistan
and have been given only the following facts about terrorists :

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.




The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Monday

mazdragon wrote:

rambletamble wrote:Confucius say,

"Treat your woman like your vacuum cleaner, if she stops sucking, replace the bag"

maybe the "vacuum cleaner" isn't sucking anymore cos the surface is tooooo soft..... you may need to get some of that product with the new chemical name , it may not be the "vacuum cleaner's" fault!

Maz,,,Ouch..

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'

Paddy replies 'I don't know! Its your f***ing plane!!'



Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'



Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want don't you?'

'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'



Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?

A. Black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!



Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. Prison service for not servicing the electric chair.
He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!



Paddy's chat up lines:
1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!
4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!
5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Every time I think of you my nuts tighten up!
6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!



Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbour's dog is barking like mad in the garden.
Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off.....
He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'

Paddy replies 'I've put the dog in our garden............ lets see how they like it!'



An Irishman is shagging a Jewish girl & says 'You're not very tight for a Jew!'

She says 'Well you're not very thick for a Paddy!'



Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.
'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didn't even know they had mobile phones!'



Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick say 'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!'

Paddy says 'Whats his name?'

Mick replies 'Miles' from London !'

& my faverite

An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past & stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick twits like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there & kick the f**k out of you if I could swim!'

your great for a laugh anytime Geoff. keep up the good work

highwaymenace wrote:your great for a laugh anytime Geoff.

thats what the wife says every time i get my gear off.

Bwahahahahaha

A teacher in a NEW YORK BRONX kindergarten class asked what kind of sound a COW makes.

Little julie stood up and went "MOOOOO"

The teacher says "very good julie, Now who knows what kind of sound a PIG makes".

Little Tyrone jumps up and yelled: "FREEZE, MUTHA-f$#@K#R !!!!"

.

Someone just rang me and said there's an idiot running downt he street in high heels and stockings and shit stained underwear!
Where the fuck are you?



For some time many of us have wondered who Jack Shit is? We find ourselves at a loose end when someone says "you dont know jack shit". Well thanks to my efforts you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Shit is the only son of Awe Shit who married Oh Shit, the owners of knee deep in shit inc. In turn Jack Shit married No Shit. The couple had 6 children: Holy Shit, Givea Shit, Fulla Shit, Bull Shit and the twins Deep Shit and Dip Shit.
Deep Shit married Dumb Shit a high school dropout. After 15 years Jack and No Shit got divorced and she married Ted Sherlock and become No Shit Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Shit married Shit-Happens. Bull Shit travelled the world and returned home with an italian bride, Pisa Shit.
So tell me now that you dont know Jack Shit!


Lets test the way you think!
Read This:

thepenisinmymouth

did you read, the pen is in my mouth?
Hell No you didnt cock sucker!

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.


Doctor: "What happened?"


Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a boiled lolly and just suck on it, dont do anything else just suck on the lolly."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I took your advise and just sucked on my lollies like you said!"

Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?"






Ok girls, dont lynch me, its only a joke,I in NO way advocate domestic violence against women,some of my faverite people are women.

Ok girls, dont lynch me, its only a joke,I in NO way advocate domestic violence against women,some of my faverite people are women.


trying to cover your *rse with disclaimer r we???

The joke of the year:

DAZ

so hows that for a laugh.

mazdragon wrote: trying to cover your *rse with disclaimer r we???

I have to, otherwise the wife would beat the crap outa me

After Monday and Tuesday...
even the calendar says

W T F.

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1.. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to
Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.

6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM
IS.

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.